The Universe has been busy conspiring to force me to level up. It started with a tri friend offering her race registration to me. I figured with a name like “Innsbrook Extreme Triathlon Challenge” that I’d happily do it as a training day and enjoy the hills of beautiful Innsbrook. Jokes on you, The Universe said.

Turns out that friend hadn’t registered for the race after all. Upon updating The Coach, I offered to do the race anyway if he wanted me to. What I got back was most unexpected: “i only want you to do it if you are going to commit to going for broke and blowing up.” When I saw this as I was gearing up for a run-of-the-mill training ride, I thought, “Fork me. That so backfired on me…let’s practice the pause…and think on this while riding.” And then I kept noodling on it while swimming that day. And then while running the next day.

It was a hard run. So I headed to where I first started this fitness journey eons ago, Creve Coeur Lake. It was humid and I knew this was going to be challenging. I kept reminding myself of how far I’ve come from the obese walker training for her first half marathon (skipped over 5Ks and 10Ks). During the 10 minutes at 90% effort, I thought, "Dear God. Hold on, J-Ho, just hold on and do not fucking quit on yourself." It was then that The Universe sent new tree art to remind me of my overarching goal, to grow. I’ve always loved trees and often drew them during high school (yes, I was the art kid who walked the mile during P.E. class). My favorite art assignment was plastered hands with words painted all over them. Why hands? Because it was as close as I could get to trees without the leaves. (Where is that piece of art now? I have no idea.) BAM!!! One of the Creve Coeur Lake tree art included chalk for people to write on the metal tree. The Universe was talking loudly.

My response to The Universe nudging me out of my comfort zone was to begrudgingly commit to Operation Go For Broke. And thus began my mental unhinging. It’s been years since the “not good enough” landmine was detonated. What came out of the ticker tape of my whirling mind was that my 70.3 Chattanooga performance was not good enough, that I didn’t give it my all or my best, that I did not try hard enough, that I did not live up to my potential. To clarify, that’s the poopy self-talk of J-Ho iOS 1.0 and not what I believe The Coach was communicating.

And The Universe hasn’t stopped talking. God bless the FB memories. Seeing those old posts had me saying to myself, “Self, you know those posts still ring true.” The Universe keeps sending the same lesson around so that we practice working through it and making different choices, better decisions, ones that align with our true self. I’ve made great progress on my pivotal mental baggage of “not good enough” thanks to 70.3 Muncie in 2017. Who tells themselves a day after setting a PR by an hour that they aren’t good enough? ME!!! That was the profound moment of disenchantment. I had had enough and the mental misery was more uncomfortable than the fear of change. I dived head first into therapy with the best brain trainer for me. Yes, that’s how I think of my weekly therapy sessions with Doc.

And here we are four years later. It’s time to pass this skills test. It’s time to grow again. I don’t know what Operation Go For Broke will teach me about myself. I do know I’m going to learn an awful lot out there on the run. Ironic really that what I spent years calling “My Ice Cream” will be the hardest part of Sunday’s race and that what I spent years calling “my weak sport” will be my happy place Sunday. Remember, The Universe has a sick sense of humor. I get to go up this massive hill TWICE while finding a way to run the run after biking like there is no run and no oppressive heat. If you see me out there, remind me of my mission by yelling, “Go for broke!!! Find a way!!!” If you see me yelling “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” to myself, pay no attention. I’ll be busy doubling down on J-Ho iOS 5.0 at Sunday’s big exam.

One of my favorite brain trainer videos.